She's your baby girl...

I really struggled when I found out I was pregnant with Maddox.

For the first few months, the guilt nearly consumed me.

Sloane was not the easiest baby.

I worried about her constantly.

It was a real roller-coaster ride being so excited for another baby, but feeling so guilty about the excitement at the same time.

Luckily, I was surrounded with distractions.

Maddox's pregnancy was so unplanned that we had a million things to do to get ready.

We packed up and moved out of our little condo.

Packing, moving and unpacking consumed me for a few months.

I was so preoccupied trying to get everyone else settled that the weeks flew by.

20 weeks came and went, we still didn't know what were having. Boy or girl?

EVERYONE thought it was a girl. Matt and I included. I was really nervous about it. Every time I prayed, I received the same answer, "Sloane is your baby girl."

I started to wonder if we'd be having a boy.

I kept those thoughts mostly to myself, only admitting to Matt the night before the ultrasound, "I'm only 70% sure it's a girl."

I didn't really think about gender until after we were well into this pregnancy. In all honesty, I wasn't even sure I wanted to find out what we were having. We talked about having another girl, we talked about having another boy. I went back and forth, never really getting a feeling either way. The only thing that made me feel like it might be a boy, was the experience I had during Maddox's pregnancy. "Sloane is the baby girl".

We realized before this pregnancy that this could very well be our last baby. We've been taking care of babies for years and we just feel like this phase of our lives may be coming to an end. It's a feeling that is very bittersweet. We also realize that so much of the good things in our lives have been unplanned, so we've accepted that it may not be our decision to make.

Because this might be our last baby, I had a lot of mixed feelings about having a boy or a girl. On one hand, a brother for Maddox?! How wonderful! On the other hand, to hold another pink bundle with a headband on those tiny wisps of hair... Bliss. I immediately noticed that I may have a little bit of excitement/disappointment either way. Overall, I just wanted another healthy baby. Just to be able to have the experience one last time was blessing enough.

However, I was nervous about how I would react during the ultrasound. Even though I knew what was important, a healthy baby, sometimes you just can't control your initial reaction to things.

Because of pre-school and swim lessons, we ended up taking all three kids with us. The on-going chaos during the ultrasound was oddly comforting. In fact, by the time she typed the word, "Boy!" on the screen, I was so ready to leave the initial reaction and emotions were completely forgotten.

It took me about 2 days to start letting the information sink in.

Reaction?

Pure happiness.

I've always thought of myself as a mother of girls. I probably feel this way just because the girls came first. Everything in our house was always pink and lined with lace. However, slowly but surely, I'm starting to see more and more little boy stuff popping up everywhere. In another year, I'm sure the Barbie-to-Truck Ratio will reach equilibrium. Don't act like you're not excited Matt. ;)

It's really happening..

 

I knew when it was supposed to happen before Maddox was even born.

 

 

I was a few weeks away from having Maddox and I was trying to rest during naptime. I was praying for a little bit of strength to get me through for the rest of the day when the thought came,

 

"One year. You have one year to rest."

 

And that was it.

 

From that point on, I knew exactly when our next baby was supposed to come.

 

I also knew that this one wouldn't be a surprise.

 

This one would be 100% our fault.

 

So the year went on.

 

August came and I started to feel very strongly that I needed to quit nursing Maddox. He seemed to feel the same because he lost interest. By September, we were weaning. It was a bittersweet experience, but in the back of my mind I knew why it was happening.

 

Once we were done with nursing, I called my doctor.

 

I had my IUD taken out on October 4th.

 

I went home and started reading up on trying to get pregnant. That seems silly to write because we've had three children, but this is the first time we had actually planned a pregnancy and I wanted a little information. All that did was give me a huge anxiety attack. It's a miracle anyone is ever born! The timing and logistics were so beyond overwhelming.

 

I secretly decided that if it didn't happen right away, I was done. This was just way too much stress.

 

The afternoon of Maddox's first birthday, I sat in the bathroom staring at a faint positive pregnancy test.

 

The next day the test was definitely positive.

 

I was elated, but kinda weirded out. I wasn't sure what to do with myself. My past experiences were so much different from this one. Looking back, I was in denial. I didn't believe it.

 

Several more tests were taken, all positive.

 

Two days passed and I finally decided to tell Matt.

 

Yes, I waited 2 days to even tell him what was going on, but it took me that long to even believe it was happening.

 

It took me another 11ish weeks to even call the doctor. It was really odd not to be brought in right away for an ultrasound to date the pregnancy. It was really weird getting a due date over the phone.

 

"July 13th"

 

But when we finally did get an ultrasound at 20 weeks...

 

There was no mistaking that another baby boy was coming to our home.

 

 

But, more on that later.

 

 



What's That You Say!?

 

When we found out we were having a boy, I received a never-ending flood of advice from people.

 

I was extremely grateful because having a little boy in the house scared me.

 

One thing I heard a lot was, "Boys don't learn to talk as fast as girls, so don't start to worry".

 

From what everyone told me, it seemed like boys just liked to focus on learning by destroying more than anything.

 

However, it took Sloane a little longer to choose to talk, and the result was tantrums.

 

So I was a little bit scared of going through that again.

 

Maddox has turned into quite the little boy.

 

He is 100% into little boy stuff and wants nothing to do with anything else. I really noticed the difference when I saw how he played with toys. Everything that could be taken apart, was taken apart. He wanted to know how everything worked, more then how it was supposed to be played with. It seemed like he would learn like everyone said he would and that the talking would come later.

 

However.

 

He started saying quite a few words a little over a month ago.

 

Then he started putting two or three words together.

 

Most of the time they were just phrases that his sisters said a lot. I didn't really think anything of it.

 

I really started to notice that he was starting to understand me really well during snack time. He could tell me what snack he wanted and if he wanted more. This, to me, was such a tender mercy because Sloane would just get so upset when we didn't know what she wanted.

 

A lot of the time, Holynd and I are the only ones who can understand him. His pronunciation isn't the greatest, but I love it. He can ask for his blankie and his "ba-ba" or "ippy" when he wants to go to sleep. He also starts to sing his night-night song if I don't get the message right away.

 

"My My Dax

My My Dax..."

 

(Night-Night Maddox

Night-Night Maddox....)

 

My all-time favorite Maddox-ism is when he hears the garage door go up. He mimics his sisters who always have to hide and jump out when Matt walks into the kitchen.

 

"It Dad! Hub! Ser-pise!"

 

(It's Dad! Hide! Surprise!)

 

Talking about his dad is his topic of choice most of the time.

 

"Dad be bye bye!"

 

"Where dad?!"

 

I love to hear him call for his sissys.

 

"Sistas!!!!!!!!!!"

 

He loves to point and ask

 

"What dat!?"

 

Then, of course, there's his favorite. Shaking his head back and forth as fast as he can, yelling

 

"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! NO! NO! MAMA!!!!!"

 

Yes usually comes out like,

"Neah!"

 

We've been teaching him the names of his body parts.

 

"Maddox? Where's your belly??"

 

-Points- "W-ight dere!"

 

He is such an amazing little boy. I can't believe I'm so lucky.

Never enough...

 

 

One thing I know for certain about motherhood is that there is never enough.

 

It's completely impossible for me to give everyone everything they need in a 24-hours time.

 

I'm not using the word impossible lightly.

 

It won't ever happen because it can't happen.

 

The list of responsibilities I give myself is overwhelming.

 

I go to bed at night and worry about all that I didn't do that day.

 

There's never enough money.

 

Never enough time for Holynd.

 

Never enough time for Sloane.

 

Never enough time for Maddox.

 

Never enough time for Matt.

 

Never enough time spent together.  

 

Never enough time for cooking.

 

Never enough time for cleaning.

 

Never enough play.

 

Never enough disipline.

 

Never enough activities outside the home.

 

Never enough activities inside the home.

 

Never enough prayers.

 

Never enough reading.

 

Never enough teaching.

 

Believe me when I say, this list could go on forever.

 

I feel like most of my nights are spent worrying about how I constantly come up short.

 

I realized the other day what my one true worry is:

 

I wasn't a perfect mom today.

 

That's horrible. I hate that statement.

 

I can't live life beating myself up because what is that going to teach my kids?

 

I know my kids are going to come up short. It pains me to think that they'll feel what I feel when I go to bed at night.

 

Somehow, I've got to let somethings go.

 

For my kids.

Fingerprints...

"If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly-cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and you will - to your surprise- miss them profoundly"

 

-President Thomas S. Monson