She's your baby girl...

I really struggled when I found out I was pregnant with Maddox.

For the first few months, the guilt nearly consumed me.

Sloane was not the easiest baby.

I worried about her constantly.

It was a real roller-coaster ride being so excited for another baby, but feeling so guilty about the excitement at the same time.

Luckily, I was surrounded with distractions.

Maddox's pregnancy was so unplanned that we had a million things to do to get ready.

We packed up and moved out of our little condo.

Packing, moving and unpacking consumed me for a few months.

I was so preoccupied trying to get everyone else settled that the weeks flew by.

20 weeks came and went, we still didn't know what were having. Boy or girl?

EVERYONE thought it was a girl. Matt and I included. I was really nervous about it. Every time I prayed, I received the same answer, "Sloane is your baby girl."

I started to wonder if we'd be having a boy.

I kept those thoughts mostly to myself, only admitting to Matt the night before the ultrasound, "I'm only 70% sure it's a girl."

I didn't really think about gender until after we were well into this pregnancy. In all honesty, I wasn't even sure I wanted to find out what we were having. We talked about having another girl, we talked about having another boy. I went back and forth, never really getting a feeling either way. The only thing that made me feel like it might be a boy, was the experience I had during Maddox's pregnancy. "Sloane is the baby girl".

We realized before this pregnancy that this could very well be our last baby. We've been taking care of babies for years and we just feel like this phase of our lives may be coming to an end. It's a feeling that is very bittersweet. We also realize that so much of the good things in our lives have been unplanned, so we've accepted that it may not be our decision to make.

Because this might be our last baby, I had a lot of mixed feelings about having a boy or a girl. On one hand, a brother for Maddox?! How wonderful! On the other hand, to hold another pink bundle with a headband on those tiny wisps of hair... Bliss. I immediately noticed that I may have a little bit of excitement/disappointment either way. Overall, I just wanted another healthy baby. Just to be able to have the experience one last time was blessing enough.

However, I was nervous about how I would react during the ultrasound. Even though I knew what was important, a healthy baby, sometimes you just can't control your initial reaction to things.

Because of pre-school and swim lessons, we ended up taking all three kids with us. The on-going chaos during the ultrasound was oddly comforting. In fact, by the time she typed the word, "Boy!" on the screen, I was so ready to leave the initial reaction and emotions were completely forgotten.

It took me about 2 days to start letting the information sink in.

Reaction?

Pure happiness.

I've always thought of myself as a mother of girls. I probably feel this way just because the girls came first. Everything in our house was always pink and lined with lace. However, slowly but surely, I'm starting to see more and more little boy stuff popping up everywhere. In another year, I'm sure the Barbie-to-Truck Ratio will reach equilibrium. Don't act like you're not excited Matt. ;)