This is the plan.

Before Dr. W left for the day on Wednesday, he came back in to see me one more time.

"This is the plan" he said "24 hours without a fever and you can go home. Your blood work shows a tiny bit of an improvement. You could be better tomorrow. You could be better in four days. You are going to get better though. You really are."

That was comforting, but I was starting to get really angry with myself. This whole experience was just getting downright depressing.

Wednesday night I, once again, didn't eat much. I declined the sleeping pill they offered me and I settled in for another sleepless night.

However, something weird happened.

I fell asleep. I slept and slept and slept. I slept all the way until 4am when.... my fever spiked. All I could think about was how the clock had now reset. 24 more hours of hospital life. I finally decided that I couldn't focus on what I was missing out on anymore. Every time I started thinking about my kids and what they were doing without me, I got so depressed that I just wanted to give up completely. I decided right then and there to focus on myself.

It's a hard thing for a mother to finally decide that she needs to be selfish. That sounds odd, but it's the truth. When I leave my kids for even just a night out with Matt, I feel guilty. There's a piece of me that feels like I should always be with them. Always.

After the fever spike ended and things were calming down, I blocked all my worries out and tried to fall back to sleep. And I actually fell asleep. Once again, I slept and slept.

Matt left for work and the nurses came in to try and get me to eat breakfast. Nothing sounded good and I really couldn't keep myself awake. The nurses would come in to talk to me and monitor Bennett, but I would fall asleep while I was trying to answer their questions. I remember thinking, "I'm either getting better, or dying". I slept on and off all day. It was a weird sensation to wake up and have no idea when you fell asleep or how long you had been asleep. I had to laugh because I really did think I knew what it was like to be TIRED. I had three little kids at home. Being tired was an all too familiar feeling, but this form of exhaustion was unreal!

Dr. W came in. I was surprised to see him since I knew he wasn't supposed to be at the hospital that day, but there he was. Luckily he caught me while I was somewhat coherent.

He sat down and looked me right in the eyes, "I've thought about you all day. I've decided that since I know you live close I'm going to send you home. BUT! You have to promise me that if you even feel the SLIGHT beginnings of a fever that you'll come right back".

I was as close to elated as a person could be in my condition. I was going HOME! Not only was I going home, but I was going home still pregnant!

Dr. W continued, "You are not out of the woods yet. I'm sending you home with a hefty prescription. I talked to two different pharmacists to make sure that I could give you the right dosage to help you get better."

He took a long sigh and then said, "I honestly don't think you'll be infection free by the time you finish this antibiotic. You were and still are really sick. Take the weekend and rest. I do want you up and walking, but don't overdo it. Come to the office on Tuesday and we'll discuss a game plan. At this point, the one thing that's going to help you get better is to deliver a baby. We've got to get you strong enough to deliver, but not wait so long that the infection comes back. We've just about maxed you out on what I can give you as far as medication goes."

He left and immediately a nurse came in to help me get ready to leave. Discharge was extremely fast. It's amazing how much faster you leave the hospital when you don't have a newborn with you.

Matt showed up and we left.

Honestly, I was a little hesitant on what to hope for. I really wanted to believe that I would be able to recover and have a baby just like all the other times. This whole experience really made me realize how little our wishes for the "perfect" birth experience matter. The whole entire time I was in the hospital, I realized just how much I wanted to just be healthy enough to have a happy baby. That was it.

I went home, sent Matt back to work and fell back to sleep. That night I ate the first full meal I had had in days. Out of curiosity, I stepped on the scale. I had lost 10 pounds in a week at 36 weeks pregnant. My body was slightly stronger, but still didn't feel like the body I had always known. I had a long road ahead of me, but I was HOME.

I went to bed that night and noticed that Bennett was, once again, wiggling wildly - just like he always had.

Another month gone...

In the life of a mother, the days sometimes can drag on, while the months always fly by.

 

There are days where I look at the clock and CAN NOT believe it's only 2 'o clock! We've already exhausted all our days-worth of activities and there's still quite a bit of daytime left!

 

However, I am also surprised at how fast the months go by. Where did October go!? I have no idea.

 

I love these kids. My goodness do I love these kids!!!

 

I have a standing-rule that I DO NOT make Halloween costumes. I DO NOT MAKE COSTUMES! I originally wanted the girls to be a cat and mouse. They agreed for about a week and then they started to argue over who had to be the mouse. I've learned over the years that some things just aren't worth the fight, so I told them they both could be cats.

 

I got online in search of cat costumes and most of them did not reach my expectations; the ones that did were really expensive. So I decided that I could make PART of the costume. I decided to make the tutus.

 

Horrible HORRIBLE awful idea. They took hours! HOURS! The girls loved them. However, I will not be making anymore tutus anytime soon. I need time to forget the experience.

 

We did keep our Pumpkin Carving Party tradition alive. We carved pumpkins and had ice cream sundaes. I'm always baffled at the pumpkin carving kits in the store. Since when did a regular old Jack 'o Lantern become so lame!?

 

My two little kitty cats. Pink for Holynd. Orange for Sloane (surprised?).

 

I had decided what Maddox and Bennett would be back in February. I saw a picture on Pinterest of two little brothers dressed as a football player and a football. TOO perfect. I was sold.

 

Bennett was less than thrilled with Halloween. He had to wear a hat -which he HATES, so he was done with Halloween by 6pm. This was actually the first year that we stayed home with our kids to trick or treat. In the past, we've always went to Payson. Our kids have just reached a point where they actually have their own social lives and not being home on Halloween is considered social-suicide apparently. ;) So I handed out candy while Matt took the kids around. They had a blast. Maddox actually had the best time. He would've trick or treated until he froze to death. Going up to someone's house and getting free candy was mind blowing for our little Maddox. He's still treasuring his little candy bucket.

 

Our celebration did not end on Halloween. We woke up the next morning ready to party with Maddox for his birthday! Maddox is such an amazing little man. He's polite, helpful, strong, super happy and kind. He loves books, soda, music, trucks, cars and eating. He really hates getting his picture taken and going to nursery.

 

Maddox is my first child to actually -touch- the flame from the candle. With four little kids, we rarely go a day without some sort of injury, so it didn't ruin the party too much. ;)

 

He had such a fun birthday. I really can not believe he's 2 years old! He's an amazing brother to all his siblings. He does make an extra effort to tick Sloane off, but I don't blame him. She can be a bully sometimes. ;) Maddox is talking up a storm. He speaks in mostly sentences, though sometimes it takes me a minute to understand exactly what he's saying. He really can't wait for Bennett to get older.

 

I'm still determined to finish Bennett's birth story. I WILL finish it.