Motherhood is not Math

My babies minutes before bedtime.

When I was working on my degree, one of my favorite classes was Econometrics. It was a math class and basically what we were taught to do was take society's unpredictable patterns and use math to (somehow) force a regression and make the solution predictable.

Following?

I loved it. Taking something that was crazy, un-uniform and making it come out organized and predictable.

Sounds like my kind of fun.

One thing that I've always loved about math was how easy it was to fix. If the solution came out wrong, I'd just look back, find my mistake, fix it and then move on. There wasn't any room for anything creative, just straight, immovable answers.

Enter Motherhood.

For me, this is where I lack as a mother. When something goes wrong; when someone refuses to use the potty, hates everything I cook, doesn't want to nurse, cries whenever I put them down, throws tantrums in public, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc! I look back and try to figure out where I went wrong. Did we miss nap time? Was the child hungry? Is their tummy upset? Are they sick? Do their feet hurt? Are they going through a growth spurt?

Sometimes I find the mistake and I learn how to fix it.

But sometimes, the mistake can't be found.

Sometimes things just go amiss and I can't explain why. I don't know how to fix it and I find myself more frustrated then ever. A lot of the time I try to let these experiences slide by without a moments thought. Sometimes I suppress my anguish and frustrations and just hope that they'll go away.

My mom used to tell me that I just like to go and go and go until I finally hit a wall. I shut down. I can't keep my emotions in-check, I'm distracted, I'm frustrated, nothing fixes the situation. I just have to have my come-apart. I basically have to throw my own little temper tantrum.

Yesterday I hit the wall.

So many times the solution to my problem came out wrong and the mistake couldn't be found. So many times, I couldn't figure out why I wasn't able to be Super-mom. I pushed the emotions farther and farther down until it all erupted and I hit the wall. Hard.

I basically spent the night sobbing to my husband. (Poor guy).

I'm writing this all down because I think (and hope) that other moms sometimes hit the wall too. Sometimes, even though we are doing our best, we come up short. Sometimes there just aren't enough hours in a day or patience in the world to make things work out the way we want to.

I've tried to figure out many times what this blog is to me. A way to keep my family updated? A journal? What is it?

It all boils down to the fact that this blog is my place to record my experiences as a mother. I know there have been so many times where I look at other moms and just can't figure out how they constantly keep it all together! I hate that feeling of being a less then perfect mom and so I keep this blog, mainly for my kids, to realize that it's ok. It's ok to hit the wall.

It's ok to not have the math come out right.

Dearest Lindsay, I saw your comment. I'm very flattered at your little shout-out to my humble blog. I'm definitely going to fulfill all the requirements of the award, but since having the above mentioned meltdown I'm going to need one more day to meet said requirements. PS: Your family is just so cute.