We wish you a Merry Christmas!

Christmas comes up fast when you have four little kids. Before I knew it, it was time to order Christmas cards. I pulled up the pictures we had had taken right after Bennett was born and was a little discouraged. The kids had already changed so much. Especially Maddox and Bennett. So I decided to book another session to get more pictures done.

 

The week of pictures came and..... everyone had pink eye.

 

Awesome.

 

So I ended up rescheduling.

 

This really made me stress out because we'd be doing pictures a lot closer to Christmas than I had anticipated. So, when everyone's eyes cleared up, I decided to try and take some myself. We picked a pretty spot up American Fork Canyon and Matt even brought up my Grandma's old rocking chair.

 

Maddox was TICKED the first time we tried to do them. So we just packed up and decided to try again the next day. I decided to be a little different and take them all in black and white. We came home, I edited them and ordered Christmas cards that same day.

 

It was pretty easy.

 

I don't know if I'll always take my own pictures, but it did have it's perks.  

 

 

 

These aren't the edited ones. I only edited a few for cards, but the entire experience was so funny that I had to post most of what I took. Matt was, as always, a really good sport. Running around behind me making silly faces and doing awesome dances. (I love that man).

It's time to have a baby.

Dr. W wanted to see me in his office within a week. So, the following Thursday I went in for my 37 week appointment. I really didn't think it would be that much different from my other regular appointments, but it was.

Everything from my weight to my blood pressure check was taken much more seriously. Not that it wasn't taking seriously in the past, there was just much more interest than there usually had been. My Doctor's demeanor was much different too.

Dr W. had always taken the more "laid back" approach to the last month of pregnancy. He pretty much always let the patient run the show. If you want to be induced right at 39 weeks, he's ready to schedule. If you want to hang on and see what happens, he's ready to wait right along with you. This was the first time I had seen him take more of a leadership role during a pregnancy.

It was exactly what I needed. I had wanted to wait for labor - especially with this very well being my last pregnancy. However, I was lost at what to do at this point. When I had Holynd, there were complications that resulted in me being induced right at 37 weeks. It was a really difficult and long induction, but because it was my first pregnancy, I really had no other experience to compare it to. It wasn't until I had Sloane that I realized how peaceful and wonderful a spontaneous birth could be. Then came Maddox's pregnancy. He was stubborn as they come and was pretty much refusing to leave his comfy first home. I was induced. I was TERRIFIED of the whole experience, but I ended up having another wonderful experience. I realized that with inductions, timing was everything. It seemed like my first induction was hard because I was fighting against my body the entire time. Maddox's induction was a breeze because my body was very much ready - but Maddox's positioning wasn't ideal.

I expressed these concerns to Dr.W. who told me again what he had told me in the hospital. "I don't think we can get you completely well before delivery. Healing during pregnancy is a very tough ordeal, but I will do everything I can to see if we can get you the experience you want".

Experience.

It's a word that a lot of women use when describing birth. "My experience was horrible", "My experience was wonderful", "I wanted a different birthing experience this time".

When I left the doctor that day, I felt a little guilty. Was I causing myself and my baby extra grief and hardships by trying to stay pregnant, just for a certain "experience"? It was a question I asked myself a lot in the next few days.

Dr. W. gave me pretty specific instructions to listen to my body. Walk when I could. Exercise if I felt up to it. Rest if I got fatigued. I was dilated to 3cm at that 37 week appointment, but unfortunately, Bennett's positioning wasn't great. I must've spent HOURS on my exercise ball trying to get that little man to drop.

Dr. W. and I both decided that the 9th or the 10th was as far as the pregnancy would go. That would give me two more appointments to try and help this little guy along. In the meantime, I finally finished that AWFUL, but much needed antibiotic. I felt almost better, but not quite. I still got tired really easily and I was having a really hard time being patient with my kids. I just wasn't myself. I didn't want to admit how miserable I still felt because I was still stuck on having a certain experience.

I went to my next appointment on the 3rd of July. I was still at 3cm, but I was now almost completely effaced. Again, Bennett was still up much too high to really get my body to go into labor. I let myself admit to Dr.W. that I was still feeling pretty miserable. He looked me right in the eye and said, "It's time to have a baby". For a split-second I thought he was going to send me to the hospital right then, but he didn't. He looked at the calendar and said, "I'd really be ok with inducing you this weekend. You would be 39 weeks. That's only one week away from your due date, but if you want, I think we can wait until Monday. BUT you have to promise you'll come in if you have any sort of kidney pain at all". He also told me that would be giving me some extra fluids during my hospital stay just to help with recovery from the kidney infection.

I left that day with a bunch of mixed feelings. I had less than a week to get this baby on board with being born, or I would be induced yet again. Even though I was still determined to go on my own, I had this tiny feeling that maybe I needed to realize that this experience I was so worried about, wasn't really about me at all. It was about Bennett. Bennett needed to be born to a mom who was well enough to take care of him. If I waited, I could very well be sick again.

I tried to suppress those thoughts. I did everything I could to go into labor and there were quite a few times where I thought I might be close - only to have all the contractions fizzle out. By Saturday, I was seriously considering telling the hospital that I wasn't coming on Monday. I had the whole conversation worked out in my head until my mom finally said something to me that really changed my mind.

I was on the phone with her and my kids were driving me nuts. They really weren't being any different then usual, but I was just being a tyrant of a mother. My mom finally said, "Tanshyle. You really need to have this baby. I've never heard you act like this before".

I hadn't told anyone that I was considering not going through with the induction. Not even Matt. My mom's words completely changed my mind. I needed to get better for so many other people in my life. My "experience" wasn't worth the burden I was giving everyone else. My decision was made. I was going to be induced.

Sunday was spent getting everyone ready. I contracted on and off all day. I kept laughing to myself that maybe now that I had decided to be induced the baby might decided to come. To my surprise, the contractions kept up all day. We dropped the kids off with my parents and went home to try and get a decent night's sleep before entering into the world of having a newborn.

My contractions continued all through out the night. They woke me up quite a few times. It didn't bother me in the least. I was so happy that my body was telling me that it was ready.

The next morning, the hospital called bright and early. They were ready for us. We were out the door before 8am and ready to meet our new little guy.

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My contractions were about 9 minutes apart, but only 30 seconds long when we got to the hospital. I didn't want to jinx anything, so I didn't tell anyone what was going on.

 

It took a really long time to get us checked in. The nurse who took me to my room immediately knew who I was. "You're the one who had the infection!" She went on to say how worried everyone was for me and how stressed Dr. W was during the whole situation. She talked about how Dr. W just kept pacing around and she admitted that there was one day where he almost delivered the baby. She was so happy to see us here and commented on how much better I looked. Since I was still kind of sick, I had to laugh. I still thought I looked pretty bad. I must've looked beyond horrible when she saw me last!

 

We had to wait a long time before they could get my induction started. It wasn't until 9:30 before they had the monitors on. A different nurse was assigned to our room. Incidentally, she was probably the ONLY nurse I hadn't had during my previous hospital stay. We talked about the kidney infection and I told her my wishes for a really mellow induction. She was amazing. When Dr.W came in to break my water, she told him that we were going to start out really slow. She also told him how I was already in a really good pattern and that I just needed a little something to get the contractions closer together. Dr. W readily agreed. He broke my water and they let me do my own thing and see what happened. The contractions got steadily stronger and I was so thrilled with my body's own progress.

 

During that time, different nurses and Dr. H (who admitted me the night I came to the hospital thinking I had the flu) came in to say hi. They were all relieved that I was there, semi-healthy and ready to have a baby. I was touched at how many people remembered me.

 

They didn't end up starting Pitocin until about 10:30. My nurse explained that usually they start the Pitocin at a level 5 and it progresses up to a level 30. She told me that she was going to start me at a level 3.

 

That was all it took.

 

Within the hour my body was completely in labor and I was asking for my epidural. The pain was exactly how I remembered it from Maddox's birth. I was so sure that delivery was right around the corner and I was NOT going to wait too long for my epidural like last time. The nurse checked me and I was at 5cm and completely effaced. She decided to shut off the Pitocin and let my body take over. This was the real deal.

 

When the anesthesiologist came in to do my epidural, he immediately noticed that I had a lot of scar tissue from my previous epidural. In fact, he could feel exactly where my other three pokes had been. He and nurse exchanged a look. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but later on I would realize that they were worried that this epidural might not really work. My contractions were tough and sitting still during the epidural wasn't fun, but I was ready for the pain. I had already been through so much that I was prepared for the fight.

 

I enjoyed about a half hour of pain-free rest and relaxation before that epidural quit working. It was bliss. In the back of my mind I knew it would end and the real work would begin. When I started breathing through the contractions again, my nurse called the anesthesiologist back in. He came in and tried to tweek the epidural as best as he could, but I ended up with one completely numb leg. The pain was unreal and it escalated to beyond what I felt during Maddox's birth.

 

It was 1pm and I was sure I was close. I asked to be checked. I had started to shake and I thought that maybe I had reached transition. The nursed checked and I was still at a 5. This was really really discouraging. I had given up asking for pain relief because I knew that it was a lost cause. 5 more centimeters seemed like a lifetime's worth of labor.

 

We had told the nurse when we arrived that my last 4 centimeters seems to go really fast, so she helped by telling me that I really only had one more centimeter to worry about. I was crying out during the contractions and I could not sit still. I even started to wish that I hadn't tried to get an epidural so that I at least had TWO working legs.

 

It was 1:30 and I was starting to lose my mind during the contractions. I was shaking and nauseated. The nurse showed Matt different techniques to help relieve some pressure. Sometimes they worked, but sometimes I ended up telling Matt not to touch me.

 

At 1:55, I was checked again and told that I was almost to a 6. This was the point where I started to tell Matt that I wanted to go home. Matt kept me focused and told me over and over that it could be over in a matter of minutes. The nurse finally suggested maybe I try getting on my hands and knees. I had one really numb leg, (the other one was completely fine) so it was easier said then done. With the nurse helping support my one bum-leg I got onto my hands and knees. All of the sudden, I yelled out "Pressure!". She flipped me over and checked me, "You're nearly there! 9cm!"

 

Dr. W was brought back in the room and told me I still had a little work to do before I could push. The pressure was indescribable and it took all my strength to not push. I started to cry. Partially because I knew it was almost over, but also because this was the most intense thing I had ever asked my body to do. I was checked one more time. "Ok. On the next contraction, PUSH!"

 

I pushed. I gave it every ounce of strength I had left. The nurse was counting to ten, but she only made it to five before I gave up. I couldn't do it. This wasn't the body I remembered having during all my other births. I told them I was done. "I can't do it. I just can't! I'm so tired."

 

Dr. W looked at me and said, "You are doing this. You've worked too hard to get to this point".

 

I took a deep breath and told myself that I wasn't going to give up.

 

At 2:11, 16 minutes after I was told that I wasn't even at 6 centimeters, Bennett was born. He had the cord wrapped around his neck twice and came out with his hand on his face.

 

It was by far, the hardest birth I had been through, but when I heard him cry I knew without a doubt that I'd do it again if I had to. I sobbed. I hadn't realize how worried I was about him until that moment. He was here and I didn't have to be scared anymore. I held his little sticky squirmy body for as long as they would let me. I didn't care about pictures or calling anyone - I just wanted to look at him. I finally knew that he was fine!

 

The nurse told me that once he had finally shifted into position that my body knew exactly what to do. I was glad she and Dr. W were so willing to try everything to coax him into the proper place.

 

I was given my extra round of fluids before I was transferred to my room downstairs. I was a little worried that they wouldn't let me go home after 24 hours because of the kidney infection, but they did. We were home by Tuesday night. That Wednesday I felt better than I had in months. My energy was getting back to normal and I felt like myself again.

 

Within a week we were back to enjoying the summer activities with our brand new addition.

 

*************************

 

Bennett is the happiest baby ever. He's well-behaved just like Maddox, but very very social. He's quite the flirt. He still wiggles non-stop and is already sleeping through the night. Sometimes I just look at him and can't quite believe that he was there during that horrible week. My heart aches to think that he might've went through any discomfort while I was sick.

 

As for me, I'm pretty sure my baby having days might be over. It was a very short-lived experience compared to most people, but I wouldn't have changed anything.

 

 

 

This is the plan.

Before Dr. W left for the day on Wednesday, he came back in to see me one more time.

"This is the plan" he said "24 hours without a fever and you can go home. Your blood work shows a tiny bit of an improvement. You could be better tomorrow. You could be better in four days. You are going to get better though. You really are."

That was comforting, but I was starting to get really angry with myself. This whole experience was just getting downright depressing.

Wednesday night I, once again, didn't eat much. I declined the sleeping pill they offered me and I settled in for another sleepless night.

However, something weird happened.

I fell asleep. I slept and slept and slept. I slept all the way until 4am when.... my fever spiked. All I could think about was how the clock had now reset. 24 more hours of hospital life. I finally decided that I couldn't focus on what I was missing out on anymore. Every time I started thinking about my kids and what they were doing without me, I got so depressed that I just wanted to give up completely. I decided right then and there to focus on myself.

It's a hard thing for a mother to finally decide that she needs to be selfish. That sounds odd, but it's the truth. When I leave my kids for even just a night out with Matt, I feel guilty. There's a piece of me that feels like I should always be with them. Always.

After the fever spike ended and things were calming down, I blocked all my worries out and tried to fall back to sleep. And I actually fell asleep. Once again, I slept and slept.

Matt left for work and the nurses came in to try and get me to eat breakfast. Nothing sounded good and I really couldn't keep myself awake. The nurses would come in to talk to me and monitor Bennett, but I would fall asleep while I was trying to answer their questions. I remember thinking, "I'm either getting better, or dying". I slept on and off all day. It was a weird sensation to wake up and have no idea when you fell asleep or how long you had been asleep. I had to laugh because I really did think I knew what it was like to be TIRED. I had three little kids at home. Being tired was an all too familiar feeling, but this form of exhaustion was unreal!

Dr. W came in. I was surprised to see him since I knew he wasn't supposed to be at the hospital that day, but there he was. Luckily he caught me while I was somewhat coherent.

He sat down and looked me right in the eyes, "I've thought about you all day. I've decided that since I know you live close I'm going to send you home. BUT! You have to promise me that if you even feel the SLIGHT beginnings of a fever that you'll come right back".

I was as close to elated as a person could be in my condition. I was going HOME! Not only was I going home, but I was going home still pregnant!

Dr. W continued, "You are not out of the woods yet. I'm sending you home with a hefty prescription. I talked to two different pharmacists to make sure that I could give you the right dosage to help you get better."

He took a long sigh and then said, "I honestly don't think you'll be infection free by the time you finish this antibiotic. You were and still are really sick. Take the weekend and rest. I do want you up and walking, but don't overdo it. Come to the office on Tuesday and we'll discuss a game plan. At this point, the one thing that's going to help you get better is to deliver a baby. We've got to get you strong enough to deliver, but not wait so long that the infection comes back. We've just about maxed you out on what I can give you as far as medication goes."

He left and immediately a nurse came in to help me get ready to leave. Discharge was extremely fast. It's amazing how much faster you leave the hospital when you don't have a newborn with you.

Matt showed up and we left.

Honestly, I was a little hesitant on what to hope for. I really wanted to believe that I would be able to recover and have a baby just like all the other times. This whole experience really made me realize how little our wishes for the "perfect" birth experience matter. The whole entire time I was in the hospital, I realized just how much I wanted to just be healthy enough to have a happy baby. That was it.

I went home, sent Matt back to work and fell back to sleep. That night I ate the first full meal I had had in days. Out of curiosity, I stepped on the scale. I had lost 10 pounds in a week at 36 weeks pregnant. My body was slightly stronger, but still didn't feel like the body I had always known. I had a long road ahead of me, but I was HOME.

I went to bed that night and noticed that Bennett was, once again, wiggling wildly - just like he always had.

Another month gone...

In the life of a mother, the days sometimes can drag on, while the months always fly by.

 

There are days where I look at the clock and CAN NOT believe it's only 2 'o clock! We've already exhausted all our days-worth of activities and there's still quite a bit of daytime left!

 

However, I am also surprised at how fast the months go by. Where did October go!? I have no idea.

 

I love these kids. My goodness do I love these kids!!!

 

I have a standing-rule that I DO NOT make Halloween costumes. I DO NOT MAKE COSTUMES! I originally wanted the girls to be a cat and mouse. They agreed for about a week and then they started to argue over who had to be the mouse. I've learned over the years that some things just aren't worth the fight, so I told them they both could be cats.

 

I got online in search of cat costumes and most of them did not reach my expectations; the ones that did were really expensive. So I decided that I could make PART of the costume. I decided to make the tutus.

 

Horrible HORRIBLE awful idea. They took hours! HOURS! The girls loved them. However, I will not be making anymore tutus anytime soon. I need time to forget the experience.

 

We did keep our Pumpkin Carving Party tradition alive. We carved pumpkins and had ice cream sundaes. I'm always baffled at the pumpkin carving kits in the store. Since when did a regular old Jack 'o Lantern become so lame!?

 

My two little kitty cats. Pink for Holynd. Orange for Sloane (surprised?).

 

I had decided what Maddox and Bennett would be back in February. I saw a picture on Pinterest of two little brothers dressed as a football player and a football. TOO perfect. I was sold.

 

Bennett was less than thrilled with Halloween. He had to wear a hat -which he HATES, so he was done with Halloween by 6pm. This was actually the first year that we stayed home with our kids to trick or treat. In the past, we've always went to Payson. Our kids have just reached a point where they actually have their own social lives and not being home on Halloween is considered social-suicide apparently. ;) So I handed out candy while Matt took the kids around. They had a blast. Maddox actually had the best time. He would've trick or treated until he froze to death. Going up to someone's house and getting free candy was mind blowing for our little Maddox. He's still treasuring his little candy bucket.

 

Our celebration did not end on Halloween. We woke up the next morning ready to party with Maddox for his birthday! Maddox is such an amazing little man. He's polite, helpful, strong, super happy and kind. He loves books, soda, music, trucks, cars and eating. He really hates getting his picture taken and going to nursery.

 

Maddox is my first child to actually -touch- the flame from the candle. With four little kids, we rarely go a day without some sort of injury, so it didn't ruin the party too much. ;)

 

He had such a fun birthday. I really can not believe he's 2 years old! He's an amazing brother to all his siblings. He does make an extra effort to tick Sloane off, but I don't blame him. She can be a bully sometimes. ;) Maddox is talking up a storm. He speaks in mostly sentences, though sometimes it takes me a minute to understand exactly what he's saying. He really can't wait for Bennett to get older.

 

I'm still determined to finish Bennett's birth story. I WILL finish it.