Where did you go?

Where did I go?

I haven't been blogging lately.

Not because I've given up on my little blog.

More because I'm still getting used to our new little life with our new little addition.

Bennett is amazing. Such a quiet and sweet baby.

I love him more and more everyday.

My other three littles had a hard time at first. There was a very hard week where everyone was acting out and Matt and I were very VERY sleep deprived. I think we lived on prayer alone for a few days. Somehow, we were able to provide some extra attention to those three. Everyone seems to be adjusting well.

Sometimes I feel like I spend most of the day trying to hide Bennett from the other three kids. They love him so much, but a little too much. I learned quickly that I can't get mad about them loving on the baby. This, to them, seems to mean that I love the baby more. It's been easier to just distract them and find something for them to focus all their love and energy on. I'm not perfect. Sometimes I just lose my temper.

I cried a lot at first. After having four babies, not only do I consider this normal, I consider it necessary. Trying to act like everything is perfect makes everything really awful.

There's a learning curve to having a newborn. I used to think that I wouldn't have to re-learn how to function after 3 or 4 kids. It's very much the opposite. Not only do I have to learn how to navigate our new life, I have to navigate all the other little beings I'm in charge of. It was heartbreaking to see how lost they felt those first two weeks. At the time, it felt like we'd never survive.

But we did.

The last month of Bennett's pregnancy was really rough. Even though I was the one going through the physical trial, our whole family went through a difficult time. This was really tough. Up until this point, I really felt like most of the more serious trials were kept hidden from our babies. To protect them. However, this trial could not be kept tucked away. All three knew that something was very wrong. That last month made the transition of having a newborn around a little more difficult.

I'm glad it's over. I don't feel stronger, but I now think my kids are the some of the strongest, bravest people I know.

I still want to blog about Bennett's birth, the kidney infection and Sloane's birthday. However, I'm not quite ready to write some of those feelings down. I still get emotional when I think about Sloane's birthday. I spent her birthday in a hospital bed. I didn't get to see her cute little face. I didn't get to watch her eat her birthday donut. Even though she still had a wonderful day with her G-ma and G-pa, I still haven't gotten over missing out on her special day. It's still very heartbreaking.

That's all for now.