Surviving Prego 101...For Men.

Living with a woman that is growing a human parasite can be quite challenging so here are some useful tips that I recommend to help ease the pain.

1. Avoid snoring at all costs. If you have to suffocate yourself, it will be worth it. I have learned that if she isn't sleeping and it's your fault, you will definately not be sleeping. She will make sure you are just as or even more tired and uncomfortable than she is.

2. Don't breathe in the general direction of the blood hound that is in the bed with you. Even if you have brushed your teeth 8 times, used mouthwash and popped several breathmints she will still smell the beefaroni that you ate for lunch 2 days ago.

3. Be ready to duck-and-cover at any moment. You never know if something will be flying your way.

4. Never eat the last of the cheese-its or whatever the snack-of-the-moment is. If you do you won't live to eat the next snack.

5. Be ready to run to the grocery store at 3:00 in the morning for pickles or anything else. If you think this is just something that happens in the movies you are wrong. It happens all the time.

6. You will never know who is calling you when you see your wife's phone number. It could be a sweet loving wife who misses you, it could be a tired crying girl that is ready to give up, or it could be the little sister of Freddy Kruger, who is also possesed by some evil deamon, that is ready to kill any and everything that looks at her a little differently.

7. When you do something stupid you will have not just one person but two people extremely mad at you. (Your wife and unborn child) She seems to have a magical power to pass on her rage to the baby, who returns it ten-fold to your pregnant wife.

8. Don't watch the food channel. You can watch it if you don't mind having to drive several hours to find some obscure food item, that is nearly impossible to find, but is featured on the food channel. I almost found myself driving to Roy at 10:00 at night a couple weeks ago.

9. Be willing to call every restaurant in Utah to see if they have or can make some specialty item.

10. Be prepared for weird smells, sounds and other unusual goodies that are bound to happen sometime between now and the end of this pregnancy.

11. Just when you think pregnancy can't get more wierd/frightening/disgusting... it does.

12. If she wants water from the gas station. She wants water from the gas station. It doesn't matter if you have a bottle of water in the fridge, or if you have a very fancy/expensive filter on the tap. She wants what she wants.

13. Be prepared. That blushing, dainty, loving wife will never return.

14. Get ready to do your own laundry. (And hers, and never be afraid to ask how to sort it, getting a lecture about being stupid with laundry is a lot better then having to gain the courage to tell her that you ruined the only sweater that still fits her.) Cook for yourself. Wash the floors the way she likes and help her put on her shoes... (She won't be able to do this once that baby gets big enough.)

15. You may come home and have all the pictures on the wall switched around and 55 new holes to patch up, because she kept changing her mind while rearranging.

16. Complain and die. If you state that... your head hurts, you're a little tired or your stomach is a little upset... be prepared to get a whole mess of complaints thrown your way. Some of which you could've lived without hearing from your loving wife.

17. You will have to go to the dr with her. Get over the fear of the gynocologist now.

18. If you come home and she goes straight to the bedroom and slams the door before one word was spoken between you... Don't go in to see what's wrong. I REPEAT! DO NOT GO IN!

19. Don't let her go grocery shopping alone. She'll come home with nothing but junk food that she'll get sick of in two days and you'll be back at the grocery store getting other snacks.

20. And finally, if she EVER asks about her appearance... tell her that there's not a celebrity/model/singer that holds a candle to her. DO NOT HESITATE, DO NOT BOTHER TO LOOK AT HER, HAVE ALL ANSWERS REHEARSED AND READY AT ALL TIMES! You need to be faster then a gun slinger on this one.... AND WHATEVER YOU DO... avoid the word... "uh...?".

Hope this helps some people or just gave a few people a good laugh.

-Matt